My views on politics, life, death, the army, and other things too miscellaneous to mention here. This is a personal blog. This blog is 100% factual.
Bill Duckwing
Poet, Author, Journalist
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Your Super-Cute Daily Terror Alert Update Will Be Forevermore:
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"There are some myths and untruths surrounding the role God plays in our daily lives. To say that religion and politics do not mix, is certainly a myth, unless you ask a liberal. Anything that affects a Christian (and voting is one of them) — enters into the religious realm. Trying to separate the two is like trying to separate oil from a glass of water, it's impossible to do. "
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Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Pigs, BucketHead, and Political Dressings Mixed with Blood
The day started with a pig stretched out on a dissecting tray. Pigs are much larger in person than you'd expect -a typical pig laid out could easily span the height of a well-proportioned midget, and in some respects they are more humanoid than other aninals you'd typically expect to end up as the savaged chunk on your dinner table. Their legs and head are more human in proportion than that of bovine or chicks, and they eschew feathers or fur for a faint peach fuzz lining their bodies like your typical blond fashion motorcyclist. (Don't worry if you don't get the metaphor -trust me, I know...)
The doc was rumaging around in the split open chest cavity as I mosied on into the lab to pick up blood for in vitro testing.
"Cool!" I exclaimed as I picked up on what they were doing.
"Yeah, I know..." the doctor smiled knowingly at me as I gazed in appreciation. "Bacon, anyone?"
That got a hysterical roar of approval from the horde of students, docs, and lab technicians in the audience. Thus indoctinated as one of the team, I was able to pick up the syringes of blood, and take it down to my lab to prep and test it out.
Speaking of blood, the Good Ol' Boys at the Washington Post report that our troops have opened fire on Iraqi protesters in Day 2 of the standoff. What the hell is going on here? And Bush is going to make a speech saying that the war is (almost, perhaps, completely) over?
"At first we believed they came as liberators," said Behjet Najem, a 33-year-old teacher at the Leader's School who witnessed the shooting. "Now it seems they are not that at all. We think of them as occupiers."
Yowza.
And now, in my Department, I am affectionately know as "BucketHead Bill Duckwing" for my inclination to wearing an ice bucket on my head when clowning around...
"But why do you wear that bucket on you head, Bill?" my lab assistant Slinks McB asked, perhaps rhetorically...
It was rhetoric, perhaps, but that one question launched a whole existential debate for me. I pondered in silence, bucket firmly attached to head, on the meaning of it, the existence of its presence on my head. Did it feel good on my head? No, not really, I reasoned, it was awkward and blinded me to the rest of the world. Did it impose limited self-confidence on my being, allowing me to project the unreal abstractions and absurdities of life in an easily digestable format?
Naw.
"I think I do it just to clown around and flirt with my co-workers a little," I said to her.
"Well, it won't work on me, buddy.." she said with suprising self-confidence, given I was a guy with a bucket on my head. "If you're going to do a take on me, it's gotta be true love, baby!"
I took a mild uncertain step backward. "What the hell does that mean, man?"
"Y'know, true love...soul mates entwined in youthful ecstacy. Love, marriage, kids, half a million dollar row house. And I love those Federal Townhomes, they're so cute!" She applauded as she laid it on the line for me.
Well, jinxies. I hightailed it outta there faster than a cat on methamphetamines. But the worst of it was the idea of a mass produced row home for two in the city of Washington.
Jinxies.
-duckwing, at 10:49 PM
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What the World Needs Now...
...is for Burt Bacharach to stop coaching these fucking kids! That's it -stop, a crescendo that rises belligerantly, and over the span of minutes, insane smiling faces shouting tunelessly as ol' BB stands up from his piano, desperatly trying to control the situation by wringing and waving his hands in all directions at once, shouting lyrics at them like a fool.
"What would you guys say if I mentioned Justin Guarini.."
Pah! Pah, I say!
So yeah, I'm watching American Idol right now.
-duckwing, at 8:33 PM
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003
House o' Leaves
I've been reading Mark Danielewski's "House of Leaves" while subway hopping the last couple of days. My commute is a little over an hour, so that gives me plenty of time to read, reflect, think up more crazy stuff to blog, ect. I actually picked the book up a year or so ago, read about halfway through, and put it down due to boredom. But I am back into it again, for whatever reason.
The book is a monster, to say the least. Over 700 pages, with crazy footnotes pages long, and fully indexed. And this is a novel. It's a meta story that concerns a druggie hipster named Johnny Truant trying to peace together the deranged notes of an old guy named Zampano in LA. The notes refer to a documentary called the Navidson Record, concerning a house that seems to be a portal to the infinite. It's kind of like "The Blair Witch Project" as told by a college professor. As the story continues, everyone concerned in the meta story becomes consumed with madness when presented with the darkness of infinity. At least that's what I'm getting out of it.
It's an insanely dark and fundamentally academic work. That's why I don't like the whole Johnny Truant character. He seems more like a literary artist's conception of a druggie hipster in LA more than an actual druggie hipster in LA. I mean, he has a character in it named Lude, for christsakes.
Anyway, it's pretty cool, at times, and extremely ambitious. I'll let you know how it turns out if I ever get around to finishing it.
-duckwing, at 11:46 PM
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US Soldiers Kill 13 Iraqis During Protest
Conflicting reports suggest that this is going to take awhile to clear up. Here's the Post's report, anyway.
-duckwing, at 12:07 PM
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Monday, April 28, 2003
Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and the Importance of Seeing Jesus in a Pizza Pie
I'm gonna play War Pundit for you tonight.
Let's start this with a question: Is finding Weapons of Mass Destruction important to legitimizing the US's war on Iraq?
And the answer is: Yes.
Despite the fact that at this point, most of us believe they will be found in some unknown quantities, I've heard two spins the pro-war forces have used to stir up the debate -that it might not really matter if we actually find the Weapons.
Right.
I hope they find the weapons -if they do, it will certainly give me more confidence that this government knows what it's doing. But to spin the argument that it isn't important is dumb. Because if we don't find them, we can't disarm them, and that was the point. I don't care what government is set up in Iraq, democratic or otherwise, if they still have WMD's buried in their backyard. Hitler was democratically elected (you knew that), and he'd wouldn't have hesitated to use whatever weapons he had on him to fuck his enemies, obviously.
So, yeah, this is kind of a no-brainer. They have to find them. Listening to Bill O'Reilly this morning, it turns out he agrees with this. But he's going to blame the CIA, the intelligence, rather than this administration, if it turns out they don't find anything. I guess that makes a kind of sense, but the Bush administration gets lots of reports and intelligence, many times contradictory, and they generally believe what they want to believe. The CIA, if I remember, gave reports to this administration claiming that there was no intelligence indicating nuclear weapons in Iraq, but Bush made the case in various public addresses that he believed that they did. Science editorialized their problem with Bush, citing the political screening of non-administration scientists at NIH, and refusing to fund certain projects that do not reflect their Creationist world view.
The point -they are not sitting around like scientists objectively analyzing all to the intelligence and data that comes in. Presumably some of the intelligence pointed to the direction of Iraq holding WMD's, maybe some of the movements of trucks and equipment seemed suspicous, and that was that.
This is not to suggest that the intelligence was inaccurate, this is just a hope that Bush backed the right horse on this one.
Which brings me to the Jesus Pizza controversy. I checked Blogspot for a url that contains the words "Jesus" and "pizza," and I couldn't find anything. So here's a call for y'all: if you don't have a blog yet, resister on blogspot and create the url: "thejesuspizza.blogspot.com" or "apizzaforjesus.blogspot.com," and I'll link to you, no questions asked. Because, not only am I a big believer in Jesus, but I am also a big believer in pizza, especially delievered. I don't know what you'd do with it, maybe a biblical historical record chronicalling Jesus's efforts to serve mankind, and also, a pizza.
Do you see Him?
-duckwing, at 11:13 PM
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Just Playing Around
I've got some meat today that I'll post later, but for now, I just want to fiddle with the look of the blog, so don't worry if you come here and it's all messed up -it's only temporary (hopefully).
Unfortunately, my entire blog archives got deleted when I changed the blog template around. This one's temporary, I think, unless I can customize it enough to call it my own, but I needed a different template right away due to html coding problems on the former template. So I'll try to restore the archive tonight.
-duckwing, at 6:24 PM
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Sunday, April 27, 2003
What I Want to Know
Easily the strangest campaign song I've ever heard is "What I Want to Know Is (DanceMix)." You'll need to install Quicktime to listen to it, though.
Even the campaign is not taking credit for this, it goes to:
The Georgia Dean for America group (gaforhowarddean@yahoo.com) writes:
You asked for it, so we created it…. The original Howard Dean Dance Mix. Lovingly called “What I want to Know”, this song mixes snippets of Dean’s speech to the California Democratic Party Dinner and a popular dance song to give our campaign both momentum and an ANTHEM. This can easily serve as a Democratic anthem against the growing usurping of power by the radical right wing Republicans and corporate affiliated conflict of interest ridden leaders in our nation’s capital.
For this week, GAForHowardDean dedicates this song to Senator Rick Sartorum for whom Howard Dean has asked his resignation. Bigotry can no longer be tolerated in this country. We want our country back……. Rock on Rick!
Don't they know that techno is soooo last year?
Was busy this weekend taking my brother around DC to see the sights. Here are some of his pictures:
-duckwing, at 10:31 PM
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Friday, April 25, 2003
An Appeal to the Hip-Hop Generation
Well it looks like Ralph Nader is getting primed to run for President again. At least, according to Salon. If the Democrats shun the left again, that might be a problem. But there may be hope, if we can encourage Generation Y, the young ones, the idealistic ones, the Hip-Hop generation, to vote for a mediocre Democratic Challenger -just like they got us Generation Xer's to put down our bongs and Husker Du cd's long enough to Rock the Vote and stick it to Bush the Elder back in 1992.
Could it happen again? That's a tough call. Back in 1992, we needed the efforts of both MTV and Rolling Stone to start the momentum. Today, MTV is owned by Viacom, and they contribute quite a bit to Republican coffers, and Rolling Stone is still published by Jann Wenner, who in the laisez-faire marketplace of ideas and ideology, tends to go with the flavor of the week. But luckily, this time around, the Democratic challengers have been just short of pandering to the hip-hop generation.
Some examples:
Gov. Howard Dean (Vermont)
 "I am incredibly down with the whole Hip-Hop Generation thang. Such heroic activism I have not seen since I protested against the War in Vietnam. I was against the war in Iraq, by the way."
Sen. John Kerry (Massachusettes)
 "Since being exposed to P Diddy's rhymes, I got my beats down in the shizzah! I don't even know what I'm talking about, but look at me! People say I talk out of both sides of my mouth, truth is, on one side I'm speaking for the people of the great State of Massachusettes, on the other, I'm cooking up some tasty grooves! Watch me now!"
Rep. Dick Gephardt (Missouri)
 "Let me tell you something now, boys and ho's (cheers)...the working man, the teachers, the unions...ain't got nothing on the Hip-Hop Generation (screams, applause). Because...because...because if there's one thing they understand, it's the integrity of the Working People!!! Y'all can call me by my street name Dicky G now, and you watch for for me and Jay-Z, as we campaign American for...Universal Health Care coverage, regardless of income, class, or Generation (standing ovation)!!!"
So there's your call, Generation Y. Go to it, your Democratic challengers are waiting in the wings.
-duckwing, at 9:46 PM
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The Apple Coda
 
Possible? I don't know...
-duckwing, at 6:25 PM
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Happy One Month to the Apple Coda!
I've been doing this for a month now just to try it out, and it turns out that I really like doing this. So, to make this site less of an eyesore, I've decided to try a few things:
1.) Find and edit a new template for this site, that's better looking and doesn't change color every 5 seconds, with images (I don't know, maybe an apple side by side with the Coda symbol -suggestions?) and more stuff to click on, so that it actually looks like a website.
2.) Upgrade my Blogspot account, to get rid of the banner ads, and embed funny pictures for my posts.
3.) Create a little bio.
4.) Add comments and permalinks section at the end of the posts, for better archiving. I like the idea of having a comments section, because they are often funnier than the actual post, but if I do this, I want people to actually use it. Write random offensive garbage if you want, or not, and stay anonymous if you choose, I don't care -just use what has been given to you!
And that's about it. This will probably take me quite a bit of time (an evening, perhaps), so don't expect changes right away. I'll get to it when I have some more free time.
I'm posting Hip-Hop Gen this evening when I get home. Stay tuned.
-duckwing, at 2:56 PM
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Bad Dreams, Trips, the Democrats, and My Encounter with an Albino Rat
My day started normally -Howard Stern mixed with a cup of coffee and a couple of cigarettes, quick shower, change of clothes, and out the door. It was a nice today, clear skies but high winds. I took my patio chairs off the balcony so that they wouldn't blow away into the Great Unknown.
And the commute on the subway was smooth and uneventful -except for one thing...there should be a subway rule of thumb that states that if two people are sitting in a completely empty car next to each other, the guy in the aisle seat should gracefully move to another pair of seats somewhere else. I felt it made people think that I was sitting next to my gay lover of my way to work, so I kept leaning over for him to give me a little smooch on the lips, but no luck to the forward, apparently.
Anyway, I got off at my stop, and ran into my old friend Rochelle (not comment for this link) on her way to a Biophysical Society meeting at noon.
"Dude," I said. "Don't fall asleep or anything! Those guys don't suffer fools who find their presentations uninteresting..."
"Okay, Bill," she said with a look like she might not be taking me seriously.
"Load up on some coffee and some amphetamines, and you should be fine." I punched her in the shoulder for emphasis.
"Don't you worry about me, dude," she said, "worry about some of your own shit..."
That was true. I had a pretty heady day planned for me at work today too. Nothing like Rochelle had lined up against the Biophysical Society Mafia, but pretty damn close. But more on that later.
So I just took in the sights. The cheery blossoms were still in bloom, and combine that with the azaleas just starting to strut their stuff, it was picturesque. Think Peace, they said to me, think glory and harmony with goodness and nature. And as Lennon sang the chorus to "Strawberry Fields Forever" through the ancient sub-woofers of God, I detected a cloud fomation of John and Yoko, naked and in their Bed Peace days, smiling and singing on that bed of hope, which eventually, like time, transformed itself into a huge albino rat, and...
What? Damn, I was totally tripping. I can definately count myself as only an occasional user of LSD now at best, given my 9-5 with the man, but still -general weirdness still presents itself to me in random and untimely ways, but always with a message...
But what was the message? Nothing about a calling to politics, apparently...both Carol Mosley Braun and Howard Dean have both snubbed me, deciding not to seek my endorsement for President of the United States. Carlon Mosely Braun has asked for money, but all that really means is that I'm now on her valuable campaign donation wish list. If you got the goods, and agree with her views, you can contribute to her campaign here, cause she really needs it at this point.
Premonition for other things? Yep -I had to kill off an albino rat today. When I went down to pick him up, he was huge. Easily about three quarters the size of the cage, so that he could barely turn around in the cage. Total bummer. We gave him an anesthetic to calm him down at first, and then knock him out to extract muscle. It was tough. It is always easier to accept things when you don't have to do the actual work. How many people would eat steaks if we had to slaughter our own cows for the priveledge? Many people think that PETA is all a bunch of nonsense, but now I'm not so sure...I mean, even if what they're suggesting is completely impractical for our society, they at least raise a few ethical and moral concerns about animals.
-duckwing, at 11:15 PM
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Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Winston Churchill: Man of Letters, Wit, Strength in Days of Infamy, and Great Apostle in Matters of Divine Providence
I know that's a mouthful, but I feel we must remember, brothers, to look backward to the men who imposed themselves as Pillars of Character and Integrity against the evil tempest winds of change and time, when these things are imposed on us as they are now. These men are few and far between, yes, but in times of great calamity can rise tall and speak the words of entire Nations, nay, Continents. May I humbly remind you of the late, Great Winston Churchill. Now mostly remembered for his stiring quotes, may Winston Churchill also be revered as a man of tenacity and great piety.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -Winston Churchill
Y'know, I don't know about you, but that quote moves me to tears every time I hear it. And I know I'm not the only one, for it also moves the people of This Great Country, so stirred by his way with words and complete faith in Christ that they hold up placards with pictures of Winston Churchill's face on them at Professional Wrestling matches all across America. Because Winston Churchill, wherever he originally came from, was at heart an American, a Leader in Christ and of the Free World, and apperently one of the only politicians who understood what the proper orifice is to best enjoy a cigar.
"I drink a good deal, sleep little, and smoke cigar after cigar. That is why I am in 200 percent shape." -Winston Churchill
"This is a day that shall live in infamy, so much so, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" -Again, Churchill
It just totally blows my mind that, here in America, we've had leaders that were that intense about upholding the Ideals of Free Civilization. Such leaders are far and few between. But I would have never guessed that a sucessor to Bill Clinton would have held these same qualities. And yet this man has emerged, from the ashes of 9/11, to save the world one more time. His name is George "Dubya" Bush, and he wears that "dubya" on his Red, White, and Blue lapel as a relic and shrine for the prayers of the American People in these times, and as a beacon for us to find our way out of the darkness, and into the light of Iraqi Liberation.
And he is, like Churchill, a Great Orator and easy to quote from:
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning"
"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
And I think that says it all, really.
-duckwing, at 6:49 PM
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Monday, April 21, 2003
Thinking Randomly
A few random thoughts that I'll just put out for right now.
Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Somewhere) and his proclamation in which he equates homosexuality with adultry, rape, incest, bestiality and God knows what else. Sounds like he's baiting the opposition into bringing this entirely imaginary position into the headlines. Pretty calculated, unlike Trent Lott, who had to cover his ass from the get go. Cause now Rick's on the offensive, and he gets to frame the argument. If he gets any concessions for that speech, he'll be winning a huge victory for his brand of swill. But what are you going to do -the offense almost always wins political points in a debate.
Mr. Personality. Watched it tonight, and absolutely the most hillariously ill-conceived TV show out there right now. Super creepy masks, combine with hillariously inappropriate comments, combine with tears of rage and torment, combine with the guys swarming around her in silver masks like demons on the make, combine with Monica Lewinsky(??) = tormentingly offbeat enough to watch. The woman picking from these guys (don't remember the name) seemed resigned to the fact that faking a smile was the only way to prevent herself going into a royal freak out right there on TV.
Find out the offical reasoning behind the origin and meaning of "4:20" here.
-duckwing, at 11:10 PM
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Xupiter.com
Probably the coolest upgrade I've ever had unwittingly downloaded onto my computer is the search engine toolbar and website Xupiter. The website is this search engine, that when you type your keywords into it, generates a full list of spam and other pop up webads, all organized for you by number of hits, to give you a better idea of which internet spam companies are better known and trusted than others.
But of course the the real cool thing about Xupiter is the Internet Toolbar that Xupiter installs when visiting websites in which you don't secure your Active-X downloads on Internet Explorer. That happened to me about six months ago -when the huge Xupiter banner appeared, followed by the cute Xupiter website on my IE browser. Here's a story about it here.
Xupiter also hijacks your browser, so when you search for urls in the address bar, you get the Xupiter website. At least, that's what happened with me.
So I decided to read up a little bit about Xupiter, using Google at work, and see how they felt about it. And there was nothing good to say about it. PCHell even has instructions for removing it -but you really have to want to get rid of Xupiter to uninstall it, at least manually.
Unfortunately, trying to find a site to download Xupiter toolbar makes uninstalling it look like a cakewalk. I had decided, after some soul-searching, that having an easily accessible toolbar to locate various advertisements for credit checks, heraldry, and porn was just what the doctor ordered. So I sent an email to the Xupiter.com help team (help@xupiter.com) for the answer...
Dear Xupiter Help Team,
Thank you for putting together such a great site! Was wondering if you had a search toolbar for Internet Explorer (for Windows) to download, so that I could keep Xupiter online while surfing the net. Plz give url if you can, thanx.
Bill Duckwing
I haven't heard from them yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed...:)
-duckwing, at 7:34 PM
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Saturday, April 19, 2003
“Joseph and the Amazing Embryonic Dreamcoat”
Grantland Rice Interviews Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice on the revision of their classic Broadway Musical.
By: Grantland Rice
Does the road wind up-hill all the way? Yes, to the very end. Will the day's journey take the whole long day? From morn to night, my friend. And never forget that. For Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, of course, it’s been a very long and winding road up a mountain whose steepness is incomprehensibly measureless to man, through a tempest. Meeting at Colet Court School in London, they were commissioned by the school headmaster to compose a school musical. The result was “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”
“Joseph” proved to be masterful species of colourful imagery while respectful to the story’s biblical majesty. But they have since parted ways to climb the mountain to ever-stellar heights. Rice completed the circle with joyful showman Elton John to compose the soundtrack to the joyous and sorrowful animated picture show “The Lion King.” Andrew Lloyd Webber stuck to his roots and composed the music to “Cats.”
“Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’s” brilliant display of allegorical metaphor proved too much for the duo, however, and, nearly 35 years after it’s debut, they have decided to par the story down to its true Freudian psychological roots.
Our interview was conducted at the Royal Regency Hyatt Hotel in New York, where sedatives were made available should one side become too overwhelmed by emotion.
Grantland Rice: There's no dearth of kindness in this world of ours; Only in our blindness we gather thorns for flowers. What do you say to that?
Tim Rice: Glad I’m not blind.
Andrew Lloyd Webber: I actually make particular reference to that sentiment in “The Phantom of the Opera.” The Phantom wears a mask to make the world blind to him. That makes it much it much easier for people to stumble into his thorns.
GR: So do you sympathize with the Phantom?
ALW: Well, yes I do actually. I think he’s really misunderstood in the programme, really. I mean, he’s this small ugly viscous troglodyte Englishman, and even though he rules this French opera house with an iron fist from his subterranean sewers, he really does have a good heart. I mean, think back to when he professes his undying love to beautiful debutante Christine, before finally letting her go and taking his leave back into the submerged depths. Think of the sacrifice. That’s pure theatre magic.
TR: Actually, I think that “Phantom” was a total fucking piece of shit.
GR: So, tell us about your new project, “Joseph and the Amazing Embryonic Dreamcoat.” This is your first collaboration project in years, isn’t it?
TR: Fuck if I know. We did “Jesus Christ Superstar” together, and “Evita,” right? That was like back in the eighties or something, though.
ALW: Yeah, something like that. Anyway, JATAED is bare bones, hard knuckled version of JATATD. No fucking around with that rainbow shit, y’know? This one covers the barren beaten desert wasteland that the Canaanites actually lived and tried to grow and raise shit in. They were nomads, right? And no, to dispel all rumors, it’s not about Joseph and his amazing trench coat made of human baby fetuses, okay? (throws his hands up, laughs hysterically) I mean, it’s a symbolic term. His folks give a coat cause he’s their favorite, and all his other brothers whale skin to prance around in. The brothers all hate Joseph because their parents give Joe their protection. He gets to hang out in the womb while his brothers are starving in the desert.
TR: So they tear up his coat and toss him in a pit. And Joe finally gets out of the womb and becomes a fucking man.
ALW: Classic Freudian head case.
GR: That’s right. A man leaves the womb of security and climbs out of the abyss, and awakens. He finally realizes that a wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows the public opinion. Good lad.
TR: Right.
GR: So tell us a little about what the people actually care about? What new songs did you write for this musical?
ALW: We actually just stuck to the themes we just discussed. There are the real showstoppers, like, “I Wanna Be a Man, But I’m just stuck in this Fucking Pit.” Contrast those with lovely, tender ballads, like “Why Don’t You Guys Love Me, Your Tender Loving Brother Who Can Read Your Minds.” Backed with the ensemble chorus of “Because We Hate Your Fucking Guts, Joseph.”
TR: We covered all of our bases for this one.
GR: Andrew Lloyd Webber, you pioneered the mega-musical art form. So would this be your pinnacle? Your peak, so to speak?
ALW: Oh, hell no. This is just the beginning. Rice and I are already working on our next musical. And this one will be BIG. An uber-musical, if you will. You have no idea. This will be the one to paralyze New York City. We’re calling it “Monstrosity.”
It will rock your world.
TR: With this, we will finally crush the world’s theatre critics AND the New York City commuters. Our next musical will close off twenty city blocks of Midtown Manhattan. It will feature dozens of multilingual choruses singing simultaneously and thousands of blimps covering the sky so that the city will be enclosed in darkness…
ALW: And we will emerge victorious, at last.
GR: But remember, guys, for when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name…
ALW: Don’t throw me that fucking Gipper shit, Grant. We will march and be victorious. I spent the brunt of my life composing music for the masses…
TR: I collaborated…
ALW: …and I’ll be damned if this was all in vain. Peak! Win! Victory! I will rule New York again! And I will rule until they pull my cold dead fingers from around my scepter this time around…
TR: I’m actually feeling a little bit sleepy right now. Could you pass me a few of them there sedatives for me, please?
-duckwing, at 12:55 AM
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Friday, April 18, 2003
The Bloodthristy Werewolves have been Unleashed by the White House
Well, obviously they've been off the leash for quite awhile. But I think they might be getting a little too used to the gore -it no longer inflames their hearts with the revolutionary bloodlust that it did during Operation Iraqi Freedom...(sigh)
Even typically reliable Good vs. Ignorant hasn't published since Wednesday.
And the lefty blogs are even more apathetic. The Agitator completely fails his namesake with this yawn. Oh, the hypocrisy! (Thanks, Atrios, fo da link, by the by)
Which brings me to the domestic front. I'm I little freaked that every time I enter my kitchen I hear a hissing noise from the left front burner on my stove. It makes me nervous since everytime I light up a cigarette there's a possibility my apartment building just might go up in a ball of fire not seen since 9/11. (sorry about that joke, really)
But I guess it's all good if the whole political war in this country takes a breather for a week. If the best Salon can do is regurgitate yet another story on the Orwellian nightmare that is John Ashcroft, that's fine with me. I obviously have more pressing matters on my mind right now.
So the werewolves are sated...for now. (don't develop a migrane trying to read it, though...)
-duckwing, at 9:02 PM
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Thursday, April 17, 2003
"I find it fascinating that most of the nations of the UN Security Council don't want the sanctions on Iraq lifted! It's just continued opposition to the United States."
Know what? I am getting so sick and tired of all of the liberal websites out there just chatting up and down in unison the gloom and doom of the State of the Union. So, with great zeal and fury, for a kick of words like no other, I turn to the Rushmeister, MR. RUSH LIMBAUGH, for inspiration in these times...
The first image you come across, really, is of "Little Dick Gephardt" -how charming! The picture seems to be of a bucktoothed dwarf in disco attire grinning maniacly. With a promise of fascism! Yowza! It just screams the necessity to prolonging the tax cuts, doesn't it. Midgits are funny, but you better watch it, especially if they're coiled and ready to pounce...
Okay...
Y'know guys, as much I love Rush Limbaugh and his website, I really can't stand his radio show. I'm sorry -I know that I'm missing out. I read the transcripts of every show, and I appreciate his political genius, but I just can't stand it. It's completely unintelligable to my sensitive ears...
His octave range is just too hard for my ears. It's like listening to French Opera, or some other cultural elitist garbage that people claim to "like" because its on NPR. Thats Rush Limbaugh's radio show to me: He's popular, not because of his astute opinions and intelligent political commentary, but because he panders to the cultural elite with his screaming yelps and avant-garde non-sequitors.
An example:
"BLAARRAAAG!!!!....Why do the liberal...wheeze moan....like...AHHHRGH...TomDashcle....aaaaa....whew...SCREEAHHH....patriots like.....THEY ARE THE PATSIES...THE FOOLS...they pander...they moan: OH AHHHH EEE EEE EEE, and the liberal media lets them do this...Well, BLAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
And so on. Who can understand that intellectual garbage, except for the Liberal media and Hollywood Intellectuals? I rest my case.
-duckwing, at 11:26 PM
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I Had a Crap Day
"We should be seizing weapons of mass destruction, not people..." -Winston Churchill
"I forsee a future, a great future, where we have met our enemy, a horrible enemy, mind you, and he was Sadaam Hussein..." -Walt Kelly, creator of "Pogo"
As my title suggests, I didn't have a happy day today. It started with waking up and walking outside onto my balcony. It was cool, so I considered wearing a sweatshirt and jacket, but it was also early in the morning. I noted how yesterday morning doing the same thing I noticed it was cool, but then shot up to the upper 80's by noontime. I brought a jacket, which I had to stuff in my backpack on the way home from work since it was impossible to wear. So I said to myself, fuck that, I not falling for this for a second time, and headed out of my apartment with a just a short sleeved shirt on.
Well, of course we had a record day with blustering winds and a high in the upper 40's.
Damn.
But that was just the start. I had a truly horrrid moment of bad karmic assessment when I got into work and sat down at my desk to read my email. An email annoucing a two hour dept. suprise meeting greeted my dark, caffine deprived eyes, totally messing up my work schedule for the day, and providing no lunch, despite that it ran from noontime to well after 2:00.
So that was bogus, and yeah, there's more...
My ultra-cool lab assistant Slinks McB (yeah, not her real name...) usually sing-songs to and fro while dissecting beef hearts, but today I could actually decipher which song she was singing, which was a great rendition of Yoko Ono's "Don't Worry."
"Hey, that sounds great, Slinks," I said.
She smiled politely.
With all respect to the dead, I was about to go into the fact that, as wives of former Beatles go, the former Fluxist was actually a way better singer/musician that Linda McCartney, but then the phone rang...
Not recognizing the number on the call ID box, I let it ring a few times before picking it up. Make the caller on the other line think that you're right in the middle of a project and so incredibly busy that you had only a few fatal seconds to rush over to answer the phone before voicemail picks it up. It helps if you sound out of breath...
"(huff, huff) ...Hello," I said.
"When are you going to let us kill off these pigs, asshole?"
It was Gene "I Am a Demon Godhead" Clark, dude in chief of the Care for Laboratory Sacrificial Lambs Dept. He seemed to be upset about the uninspiring death toll on his watch so late in the morning.
"Dude, chill...think about this for a second..."
"Fuck you! We have YOUR two porkers down here eating our refuse. That costs money, Bill...Muchos muchos mulah, buddy. So either we kill them today, or I'm going to take them out on a field day this weekend and test out my new Bushmaster."
"Look, guy...I'm sure we can work out a compromise. I'm swamped today, buddy. I don't have the time..."
"Well you better make the time," the Dark Lord said, "because otherwise...(unintelligble demon talk)..and we shall raise the dead to serve in our Army of Darkness bent to the Black Will of our Demon Sorcerer Lord Lucifer, who will once again rule this vacant armpit with cruel and pitiless contempt!"
So I hung up the phone. And, after praying to Jesus and asking Him for grace and eternal vigalence against the forces of the damned, I slumped back down at my desk. Soon a long shadow appeared in the doorway to my lab.
"Bill Duckwing?"
I looked over, pitifully. "Yes," I answered.
"Bill, I am with Universal Lab Calibration Systems, Ltd. Would you like to stand around with me for a few hours this morning while I give you an estimate for calibrating every single item in your laboratory?"
I had a crap day.
-duckwing, at 8:28 PM
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Suture up front, and the Case in the Rear
It's a tough thing, being in medicine. Because advances in medicine really were the pinnacle of thought in the Enlightenment. I mean, whatever else came out of that movement: Democracy, Mathmatics as a model for physics, Substituting Religion for Reason, Art, whatever. The truth that really came out of the Enlightenment, besides plastics, was the idea that substitution of empirical thought for metaphysics might be a better approach to medicine. Because if this new approach didn't happen, we'd still be discussing the four humours and be bloodletting the sick until the vampires came home...
But if you think that medicine is only being practiced by experienced professional doctors and surgeons with a Ph.D. or an M.D., you are flat out wrong.
Competent Medicine is the great meme of comfort of this age. We have this idea that the American Healthcare system is top notch, and that you can enter a hospital knowing that your caregiver always knows what's best for your ailment. That is your guarantee in America. That your doctor is a Harvard med graduate, and will always know what is best for you when you're sick.
Right.
Pesonal anecdote here: I work in healthcare, but I'm the most incompetent ass you've ever seen. That's the joy of technical work. I've worked my ass off if college to obtain a Bachelor's degree in the life sciences, studied and worked in labs that bleed the fingers raw. So I worked hard for that degree, which led to an important job in government medicine. And I gain more and more responsibily to guide the welfare of the DOD and the Federal Government every day, despite my total lack of expertise, interest, and my complete apathy towards any project being a success.
How would you feel being anesthesized and having some of your muscle removed by a complete amaeteur for research? It happens more often than you think. Surgeons with MD's could care less about research in medical facilities. They're much more interested in saving people's lives. And that's why they leave the dirty work -preparing surgery to the Biologists and Lab Techinicians -to perform the biopsies necessary to conduct their own research for their departments, many of whom have no prior experience performing standard medical practicies and must learn these invasive techiniques on human bodies within a few days...
I know, because that's where I'm going to be in a few days... After vaguely reviewing the basics on sutures and standard laboratory protocols, I am expected next week to perform a muscle biopsy on a human female, suture the parts, and perform experiments that are critical to numerous hospitals and agencies , completely unsupervised. It boggles the mind, especially if I mess up... If if fuck up this experiment, I could be fired, and have my whole department blacklisted till the end of time. It's not a fun topic to think about right now.
So I am scared shitless. Next week, I have to slice someone's leg open, and remove a piece of her muscle while she's still alive (unless, I fuck up an artery and kill her...Man, will my head be on the block, then...). Wish me luck, I'll need it.
So here's to responsability! Hope you have it, and good luck if you lack it...
-duckwing, at 12:18 AM
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Just Because I Have Too Much Too Post, I Shall only Post a little Today
Yeah. I'll start with giving Matt Lord's whole letter to Maine Campus today, because someone complained about the login required to get into the site. I forgot about that...
Letters to the editor
*The right to protest
I am not a war protester, and I probably won't become one any time soon. In fact, I am in the Air National Guard and may fight in the war before it is all over. However, I have been a bit concerned over the general dismay that people have demonstrated about the idea of questioning our government.
Have people forgotten that we started as a nation by protesting the dictatorial control of Great Britain? There were protests like the Boston Tea Party and even the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson was a very strong proponent of the people's right to question its government. He once said, "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent." I am writing this statement to illustrate the fundamental right and great necessity of the people to question our government.
This is not the Soviet Union, communist China or, dare I say, Iraq. When people say that questioning our government is un-American, I want to scream. Have you not read a word of our country's history? There is nothing more American than to question our government. It is the reason we created this democracy.
People are quick to point out that we owe a lot of our freedom to men and women in uniform, and they are, of course, correct, but many of these same people want others to shut up and not question our government.
We also owe our freedom to people like Martin Luther King, unions and immigrant groups who demonstrated and fought hand and tooth for all the rights we enjoy today. Antidemocratic action is not just a right that people have to protest, it is a necessity. It keeps our government honest.
I may not always agree with the protester, but I will never fault them for using a basic right of ours. When this country gives in to these nay-sayers who want us to shut up, we risk becoming what we so fear. When we lose our right to free speech, we lose America and I thought that is what everyone has been trying to save. Think about that the next time you tell "a damned hippie" to shut up and show some respect.
I am not saying you have to agree with them. However, if the other side wins and we stop questioning, then "a government of the people, by the people and for the people" will have perished from the earth.
Matthew Lord
Social work graduate student
I've been going on about politcs quite a bit on this site, but the truth is that this is more of a griping site more than anything else for right now. But I try to avoid personal gripes here -there is too much going on in the world right now to complain too much about that awkward miscomunication at work that fucks up the rest of your day, or the dude staring you down while mouthing either profanities or some other crazy shit on the subway. This really isn't the place for it. The junk going on in either the media or the world is enough to make your day sour, so why worry about the rest of it. So yeah, this is a gripe site, but hey, what are you going to do? Bitterness, stife, sadness, anger. This is the stuff that keeps the world on edge.
But to make a personal note here: I'm really, really glad that the tourists are back in DC now. They usually arrive earlier in the year, to catch the cherry blosoms and stuff. But given the weirdness, fear, and loathing going on in the world right now, plus the abyssmal winter, they all seemed to collectively take a hike to Las Vegas or California for their early spring vacations. But I'm happy to report that they're back in full force right now. Washington DC has a pretty drab residency -for the most part we're a pretty drab, anonymous, self-centered lot of lawyers, lobbyists, and miscellaneous government employees who come here to boost our resumes and position in America's hiearchy before settling down in hometowns like Akron, Ohio to take on jobs for much more money and authority. That's just the nature of the city. And given the fact that we're target #1 for terrorists and other malcontents who want to shake up the country, people don't do much to attract much attention to themselves in DC, unlike other cities. Except for the tourists...
They're awesome. They're the spice of DC living, for the most part. The fact a large group of them will exit a train and just stand within inches outside the doors of a busy subway station during rush hour, looking around in vain for where to catch their connecting train, while hordes of commuters crawl around these dormant bodies in a stuggle to get off the train, and while other countless hoards impatiently stand on the sidelines, observing the whole mess unfold, is just way too gorgeous a moment of anarchy to appreciate on any rational level. All I can say is just: Thanks, guys...
Anyway, here's a link to Miserable Melodies,if you wish to torture yourself needlessly and get your mind off of G.W. I don't really understand the problem with Yoko Ono -I like japanese pop in general, and Yoko's stuff just strikes me as merely mediocre for the genre. But the laughably worst on this site is the cover of "Whole Lotta Love" by the Temple City Kazoo Orchestra. You can find it on the page here.
-duckwing, at 7:46 PM
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Monday, April 14, 2003
Stop the Insanity
My old fraternity alum tries. I thought that the idea the founding fathers had for this country was the accumilation of private property without the ol' GB taxing our asses on every asset. But I could be wrong...
Matt Lord also plays guitar, and I'm happy to say that he will play Beatles or Hootie requests should you be in the area. Just don't call him a "damned hippie."
-duckwing, at 11:56 PM
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Why, Michael Moore, Why
Michael Moore panders to us once again, this time on AlterNet.
It appears that the Bush administration will have succeeded in colonizing Iraq sometime in the next few days. This is a blunder of much magnitude – and we will pay for it for years to come. It was not worth the life of one single American kid in uniform, let alone the thousands of Iraqis who have died, and my condolences and prayers go out to all of them.
So, where are all those weapons of mass destruction that were the pretense for this war? Ha! There is so much to say about all this, but I will save it for later.
How the fuck does he know there's no WMD's in Iraq? They've occupied Iraq for less that a week now, and Mike's already confident that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction?
After he shoots himself in the foot, Mike goes on to say he and the Dixie Chicks have sold way more shit now that they are controvesial headliners.
Well, good for you, man. I'm glad you see your vindication in terms of more web hits and tv pilots sold, and more people going to see "Bowling for Columbine."
I mean, I loved TV Nation when I was younger. But there has gotta be a better meme out there than, "If you're on the left, you have to piss people off for them to buy your shit."
Mike's arguments are shallow and inflammatory. That's it. He's on the right side at least, but his heart isn't there, and I think there are better people out there to articulate the feelings of the left to the general public than Michael Moore.
He's much better at making documentaries than as a essayist or pushing agendas, and I think that's where he should stay.
1936
Ty Cobb: "How much longer can the workingmen of this country suffer under the yoke of capitalist oppression? I urge all of you to throw off the chains of industry and take to the streets for the final overthrow of the system. Unite, my brothers! Long live the revolution!
On the other hand there is Neal Pollack's excellent mindfuck documenting Major Legue Baseball's abrupt shift to the right. Somebody sub Eugene V. Debs in at shortstop, please!
-duckwing, at 11:41 PM
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Why George Bush and I are so Crazy about Jesus
A few reasons. Lewis H. Lapham writes an excellent forward to May's Harper's Magazine. They haven't put the May issue of Harper's yet (they're really bad about putting new stuff up on their site), but it's worth it to just subscribe to the mag, because they're absolutely one of the best literary/political mags in America. I've been a subscriber off and on for about 5-6 years, and there's always something in every issue that is either completely off the wall/stupid or incredibly profound. Regardless, it's always enough to make you think hard enough that it twists your perspective, and that's good enough for me.
Right. The Lapham piece (Notebook: "Shock and Awe") is an interesting take on Bush as Evangelist. It's a pretty dark corner to take, but the idea that his beliefs rise from the dark Jonathan Edwards school of Americanism, like a spider hanging onto its last strand of web above the blazing fires of hell, hit me in a way. The ideas of the Enlightenment, our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson esp., are completely antithetical to our President. He is in love with his ignorance and lack of curiosity, with his vacancy, because in this way he is most able to act as a vechicle for the mouth of God.
And we love that shit, man. In a country that regarded Bill Clinton as way too intellectual for his own good (he was a Rhodes Scholar, for Christ sake!), George Bush is our angel pulling a few strings for us, so we don't tred too close to the flames of hell.
Man, what is going on with me. Why the hell did I just write that bullshit? Two years ago I would've just thought that George Bush was your typical Tex-Mex loving loner with a cowboy complex and a strange love for violence and book burnings. But that was two years ago, and things have changed...
I've also been online a lot researching my biblical history. And I came across a really wild site, in which mediums (or is that media?) proport to receive letters from Jesus, Paul, Judas Iscariot, the Apostle John, and even Mary Magdalene, each saying mostly that the guys who wrote the New Testament screwed up royally. If you're not up to taking in a New New Dogma of Christ, you can figure out which stuff to avoid here, but it does occasionally offer up an interesting new view on biblical history. Check this link, which I don't think has any basis at all in historical fact, but it's an interesting conjecture nonetheless.
-duckwing, at 10:53 PM
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Check this out: It Sounds like a Nice Thing to Do
My mom emailed me this link about Dog Island, a really cool research project. Send them money, or apply for a job there, if you like, but at least write them a nice email supporting the cause.
Actually, I did kinda fall for this until I saw the quote on Pack Formations from "Jane Godale"...I can be such a gullible dumbass sometimes.
-duckwing, at 8:53 PM
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Saturday, April 12, 2003
We Hate the Ones that Fall From Grace More: an Example
Granted I don't hate Dennis Miller -I don't know the guy, and I wish him all the best. He's done nothing to me personally.
He's probably a great dad, and a great husband, and cares a lot about the things he proports to care about.
And the promo for his standup show on HBO (the one in which is presented like a "greatest hits" compilation -"Global Warming.") cracks me up (well it doesn't really, but it at least makes me smile).
But, to go into evangelical mode here, he has fallen. He originally stood up as a comedian for progressive libertarians (he even endorsed Jerry Brown in '92), but his views went rightward into a straight arrow libertarian with some criticism for corporate America. His latest incarnation (here, as well as on several appearances on Jan Leno) into a fascist, hate-spewing, vicious monster wielding the imperial sword of fire upon the heads of all peoples of the world not American, is really hard to take. The fact that he was once funny and knew what he was talking about 10 years ago, and listening to him now is agonizing. He's not like Rush Limbaugh, who is both unintelligable and consistant is his preposterous smears, but has also been consistantly looney. Dennis Miller is sometimes intelligent, and can make some valid points here and there. Everyone undergoes political chagnes throughout their lives. I personally have had a pretty fluid mosaic approach to political ideology. But, like I said, Dennis Miller has taken a particularly heady fall into the arms of whatever crazy Apocalyptic demons lie in his brain.
He says that those who take offense to his tirades are just missing the joke. Y'know, we have no sense of humor. But I don't find much funny about his nightmares -light hearted global imperialsm and naked aggression on other nations just doesn't tickle the funny bone, really.
So, I'm going to abuse myself tonight by watching this train wreck, just take my medicine. It's on tonight at 10PM if you want to see it (HBO).
-duckwing, at 9:10 PM
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Is this the Bummer the Left is Finally Looking For?
First off, I was really bummed out about the 2002 Mid Terms -you probably didn't know this because I started this blog less than a month ago. James Carville putting a trash can over his head as CNN weighed in the results was just too much. You knew (if you cared) that it was going to be a bad time for half the country (or less, who cares?). The second bummer in less that three years (since Bush became our president) is all this shitting on the anti-war guys by the media. It's like a non stop onslaught both by the neocons and by liberals turn fascists (Chris Hitchens, who reportedly used to work for the Nation). What a bummer to be just a normal libertarian in these times -it's like being an asshole with nothing to say about it.
Praise be (sorry, I'm still in JC Superstar mode) to Neil Pollack, whose astute theories of current events shall always be more refined than mine. And for whom I shall be forever grateful for finally pointing out the limits of sarcasm (hint: there are none).
Well, if we're all assholes, let's rejoice in't. What the hell. If people who have a leftist point of view in this country are just full of shit, why not make a last hurrah out of it. Bush has been able, dispite all normal human rational political thought, to push every single point in his weird lunatic agenada so far, and win with zero harrassment, so I think it's ice cream time for the left. My prediction so far: Bush will easily win re-election with 60-70% of the vote.In 2004, baby. Results that would make McGovern cry out in despair and shame, and he would know the score. So enjoy a nice pint of Ben and Jerry's on me. It's going to be a tough ride.
-duckwing, at 1:12 AM
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Friday, April 11, 2003
I've Been Busy
Called out sick at work today, and I pretty much watched C-SPAN all day out of boredom, or maybe it was the whole passing the budget thing today. Well, it passed...50-50 with VP Cheney casting the deciding vote. It seems sucky, but I just don't get it...how much are we going to cut taxes next year? I am completely clueless. At first I thought it was a complete victory for the Repubs, but then the Washington Post reported that it totally was not a victory for the Repubs, but for the Democrats constantly trying to undermine Bush's regal authority...
I don't get it...
So Sadaam's statue is toppled, baby. It's significant, and really cool, but I won't really know what to make of it until the Democrats in this country start screaming bloody murder about importance of the UN's role in reconstruction or something. Right, they're being cool as cats right now, but I know something's up their vicious sleeve. Stay tuned to Fox News to bring you the first report.
Fox News, man -the Sadaam Ace of Spades trick is creepy, man. Thanks.
Other news -I haven't posted in several days because I am preparing to audition for a "Jesus Christ Superstar" revival in my area. I'm hoping to land the part of Annas, the high pitched hysterical high priest that helps doom Christ. It's a really cool part. Wish me luck -my audition is tomarrow.
-duckwing, at 11:00 PM
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Monday, April 07, 2003
It's Time to Take Out the French in Real Time, Baby
Yeah, I know what you ignorant mofo's are saying. "The French are are ALLIES, Duck, and they have supported us since the American Revol..." -Cram it. Just Cram It! Okay. Jacques "Kiss My Dirty French Ass, You Stupid Fat-Assed American Fucks" Chriac lost all of his Apple Pie privledges the day he thumbed his nose (and acidentally dislodged a booger) at our Red, White, and Blues.
So, yeah, fuck the French. If they're going to run around the UN like a bunch of fucking pussies, then they're in for a whole world of trouble. The USA, for one, is not going to let some gaywad French guys run around in french braids and leiderhosen all over New York City like a bunch of Commies. Now they want to help "rebuild" Iraq after we've just kicked some major ass there. Sorry, Commies! The only people we're going to allow to help rebuild that will be wearing berets are Green Berets, buddy. And you know what, you'd better watch it, because our boys all getting pretty sick and tired of your attitude.
You don't like it? Good! Move back to Gay Parrie! We all know that you guys knew exactly what that word meant when you started using it to describe Paris, and it sure as hell didn't mean "happy."
I've spent many hours now playing Command and Conquer, a computer battle simulator played in real time, baby. And you know what team I play against? I'll give you a hint -it aint Red China (those guys were so last year). It's the French! And you know, I've figured out how to get past your Team Specific speacial tatics of covering in your trenching at the first sign of military aggression. That's right...I've got you all figured out now, France. So here's a Patriot missile for freedom, guys, and tell me "How'd ya like that one!"
Just a joke. My attempt at Super Patriot speak...
-duckwing, at 10:21 PM
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Sunday, April 06, 2003
An Open Letter to Charlie Daniels
Democratic Underground writes an incredibly long letter underscoring some of the stuff I wrote in my last post. If you think I've gotten angrier and more vitrolic in some of my more recent posts, it's just that it annoys me when the regular joe sixpacks write even loonier stuff to their blogs and college newspapers than the neoconservative pundits.
I mean, are we going to start supporting genocide because our troops happen to be at war? Didn't we decide that that was bad at some point in American History?
So, yeah, I'm pissed off right now.
Will Charlie D change his tune after reading this open letter. Like I said, I like him for his populist ways -he kinda digs farmers and the working class in some of this posts. So I have more hope for him than for scum like Travis Cowling (see my last post).
-duckwing, at 3:32 PM
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Kiss Travis Cowling's Ass for Me
Check out my alma mater's campus newspaper site for an example of the widely different takes people can view the war right now.
Intelligible war thoughts
Protestors should pipe down and show some respect
By Travis Cowing
The war on Iraq has been raging for a number of days now. I figure it's high time I chimed in with my own two cents. After all, this is a college paper and I feel that students here should take advantage of this medium whenever the chance may arise.
For starters, I'd just like to pull down my pants and have all you war protesters kiss my ass. It's one thing to be against war. That's fine, you're entitled to your own opinion. However, once those first shots are fired you better put your peace signs down and start supporting our troops. There are men and women over there right now taking bullets so you hippies can run around smoking weed and burning American flags.
And I don't care if you think we're at war for the wrong reasons. Say what you want, maybe this war is oil-driven. But you know what? That doesn't change the fact that our sons, daughters and friends are risking their lives. Besides, when this war is all said and done, I'm sure you hippie bastards will have no problem filling up your VW buses when gas is only 90 cents a gallon.
I also have a real problem with people out there bad mouthing our president. Like I'm supposed to give a huge shit that the Dixie Chicks disagree with Bush? Hey Dixie bitches, maybe it slipped your minds, but we are over there trying to free a country that has been oppressed for years. And don't forget, the only reason you are allowed to say bad things about our president is because of your freedoms. You enjoy those freedoms because the military heroes before us gave their lives. Try marching down the streets of Baghdad with a sign saying "Saddam Sucks." You'd get two in the head.
You can run up to me preaching that same old bullsh*t about peace and love. Many of you people want a reason for the United States going to war. Well I have two reasons, and they both used to be standing tall in New York City.
Now I don't know about you, but killing more than 2,000 of my fellow countrymen is another pretty good goddamn reason. Hopefully, Sept. 11 isn't too far back in your memory and hopefully you realize places like Iraq harbor individuals who would love nothing more than to repeat that act. Five years from now I don't want to wake up and find a pile of anthrax in my oatmeal.
Talk all you want about the innocent lives that are lost. I am truly sorry that many innocent women and children are killed during war. But at the same time you have to figure that some of these same "innocent" children would grow up under Saddam's regime.
Who knows, maybe 20 years down the line little "innocent" Habib will decide to fly a couple of planes into a national monument. If you don't like how this country does things then you can beat it. That's right, you can leave. Pack your things and head somewhere else like Canada or Cuba. If you work at McDonald's and you don't like the way they run things, you can quit. The same thing applies for foreign policies.
Nobody's asking for full support of the war. You don't have to buy a T-shirt or donate money. I just think some of you people should show a little more respect for soldiers giving their lives.
Me? I am going to buy that T-shirt and donate that dollar at the gas station. If you want to find me, just look for me driving my Dodge Caravan with the American flag in the window. I'll probably be in that van singing a tune on the radio. I'm not sure what that song will be, but you can bet your ass that it's nothing by the Dixie Chicks.
Travis Cowing was given an award for being semi-serious for the first time in his opinion-writing career.
My biggest problem with this is that he thinks that some of the people who aren't 100% for this war (like me), have somehow forgotten the events of 9/11. All I can say to that is that he better be out of his fucking mind. So he's sitting out in the middle of fucking nowhere when 9/11 happened. I live about five blocks from the Pentagon. The plane that crashed into the Pentagon practically crashed into my backyard. I will never forget how vulnerable that made me feel. That our president keeps hammering Congress for a $726 billion dollar tax cut that Congress has already rejected, stripping us of our protection by cutting funds for our fire and police to fund this stupid war and line the pockets of his friends. Doesn't it strike anyone that this is just more of the typical politics as usual that has taken place for the last, I don't know, 20, 30, 40 years? It almost makes you long for the days of Nixon, when the President of the United States's thumb wasn't so far up the ass of various corportate intertests.
I also like the King Herod solution to our problems that Travis recommends. Yes, kill all of those miserable Arab children! Then there will be no more terrorists! We'll elimimate all of them before they start to think.
Man, a long hard rain's gonna fall.
-duckwing, at 12:57 AM
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Saturday, April 05, 2003
And Yet Even More Silly Stuff to Ponder
Pound has Weight Watchers recipies from the 1970s. Strange, yet bold.
-duckwing, at 1:15 AM
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Friday, April 04, 2003
Michael Kelly, Rest in Peace, Please
I must admit that I had an ambivalent respect for Michael Kelly. He was a columnist for my paper, the Washington Post, and he also managed to salvage the Atlantic Monthly, which has been, off and on, one of the most respected literary journals published in this country. His death sucks, because he was one of those outstanding men I don't think I even understand on a basic level.
Because, on the one hand, Michael Kelly was one of the most aggrivating columnists I've ever read. He was the true definition of a hysterical conservative. He pushed my buttons (and many others) so well, that I can only think of a minute handful of public thinkers that can lay claim to that.
On the other hand, Michael Kelly was also an oustanding journalist and man of letters. He truly had a gift for writing, and that's not something that I begrudge other writers often. He loved the art of writing, and if I had to guess, the love of writing was far more important to him than politics.
And that is an outstanding and crucial character for a man to posess, and it is rare. The lovers of letters is a greater loss in these times than ever, because they are ever dwindling. I hope that, if nothing else, that Michael Kelly's death serves as a reminder to us that there are very few true men of letters left in this world, and that we need to idolize the ones we have left, just as much as the ones we have idolized in the past...
-duckwing, at 11:33 PM
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X-Entertainment
Dare to remember the good old days of Presto-Magix, Colorforms, and treat yourself to a full review of Super Mario Brothers 2 at X-Ex.
I'd say the amount of time you spend reading about the stuff you used to as a kid vs. the amount of time you spent actually doing this stuff as a kid is about a factor of 5:1.
-duckwing, at 8:15 PM
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Life and Death: the Crazy Business
This will be one bizarre post. Because I have no idea where it's going to go...
First a quote from "Great Russian Tinkerer" Alexander Herzen:
"What is the purpose of the song the singer sings?...If you look beyond your pleasure in it for something else, for some other goal, the moment will come when the singer stops and then you will only have memories and vain regrets...because, instead of listening, you were waiting for something else...You are confused by categories that are not fitted to catch the flow of life."
Right. What is all of this pontificating about the nature of the future around us. A lot of us are upset and pessimistic about the present going on about us. But I get resigned about trying to understand the political future because 1.) I don't think there is much I can do, but wait for the next election. 2.) I think that most of the leaders in the opposition are not inclined to speak in opposition to the mainstream world view until the next election.
Well, what to do?
You can wait around to the next electrion (as I'm sure many are willing to do), but the first primary is over a year away. You shouldn't be willing to wait that long. And then, if you agree with Herzen, you need to ask yourself, "Am I rebelling against just the present state of affairs, or am I looking to reform the future to conform to my ideals." Tough question...because if you look to impose your will and viewpoint on the majority when you win, Herzen might want to have a couple of talking points with you about your whole ideology.
I tend to agree with Herzen...I think that if you wait , hoping to impose your viewpoint of the majority when you finally have the upper hand, is worth absolutely nothing to humanity. Because that's totalitarianism. You have to rebel for the present. You have to react when it's wrong for the present time. It's essentially a reactionary position, rather than radical. Achieving the good life has little use for radicals, and I think history has shown that. As history shows, radicals always get the upper hand during revolutions, and as in the case with the French and Russian Revolutions, they always end in militant blood and strife. Because radicals are unwilling to allow nature to take its course, they want to control and conform nature to their own beliefs.
Craziness. Posing the question to an acquaintance, I've found that I'm actually 68% basketcase. I guess that's better than 100%, right. The question was that, if 0% was absolutely straight arrow, and 100% was complete head-case, where would I fall? But if I'm leaning towards headcase, where does that leave everyone else? Given the popularity of drugs like Prozac (I mean, c'mon, "Prozac Nation?") and Special K, am I even in the minority here?
Yep, craziness...
-duckwing, at 12:22 AM
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Thursday, April 03, 2003
“Joseph and the Amazing Embryonic Dreamcoat”
Grantland Rice Interviews Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice on the revision of their classic Broadway Musical.
By: Grantland Rice
Does the road wind up-hill all the way? Yes, to the very end. Will the day's journey take the whole long day? From morn to night, my friend. And never forget that. For Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, of course, it’s been a very long and winding road up a mountain whose steepness is incomprehensibly measureless to man, through a tempest. Meeting at Colet Court School in London, they were commissioned by the school headmaster to compose a school musical. The result was “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”
“Joseph” proved to be masterful species of colourful imagery while respectful to the story’s biblical majesty. But they have since parted ways to climb the mountain to ever-stellar heights. Rice completed the circle with joyful showman Elton John to compose the soundtrack to the joyous and sorrowful animated picture show “The Lion King.” Andrew Lloyd Webber stuck to his roots and composed the music to “Cats.”
“Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’s” brilliant display of allegorical metaphor proved too much for the duo, however, and, nearly 35 years after it’s debut, they have decided to par the story down to its true Freudian psychological roots.
Our interview was conducted at the Royal Regency Hyatt Hotel in New York, where sedatives were made available should one side become too overwhelmed by emotion.
Grantland Rice: There's no dearth of kindness in this world of ours; Only in our blindness we gather thorns for flowers. What do you say to that?
Tim Rice: Glad I’m not blind.
Andrew Lloyd Webber: I actually make particular reference to that sentiment in “The Phantom of the Opera.” The Phantom wears a mask to make the world blind to him. That makes it much it much easier for people to stumble into his thorns.
GR: So do you sympathize with the Phantom?
ALW: Well, yes I do actually. I think he’s really misunderstood in the programme, really. I mean, he’s this small ugly viscous troglodyte Englishman, and even though he rules this French opera house with an iron fist from his subterranean sewers, he really does have a good heart. I mean, think back to when he professes his undying love to beautiful debutante Christine, before finally letting her go and taking his leave back into the submerged depths. Think of the sacrifice. That’s pure theatre magic.
TR: Actually, I think that “Phantom” was a total fucking piece of shit.
GR: So, tell us about your new project, “Joseph and the Amazing Embryonic Dreamcoat.” This is your first collaboration project in years, isn’t it?
TR: Fuck if I know. We did “Jesus Christ Superstar” together, and “Evita,” right? That was like back in the eighties or something, though.
ALW: Yeah, something like that. Anyway, JATAED is bare bones, hard knuckled version of JATATD. No fucking around with that rainbow shit, y’know? This one covers the barren beaten desert wasteland that the Canaanites actually lived and tried to grow and raise shit in. They were nomads, right? And no, to dispel all rumors, it’s not about Joseph and his amazing trench coat made of human baby fetuses, okay? (throws his hands up, laughs hysterically) I mean, it’s a symbolic term. His folks give a coat cause he’s their favorite, and all his other brothers whale skin to prance around in. The brothers all hate Joseph because their parents give Joe their protection. He gets to hang out in the womb while his brothers are starving in the desert.
TR: So they tear up his coat and toss him in a pit. And Joe finally gets out of the womb and becomes a fucking man.
ALW: Classic Freudian head case.
GR: That’s right. A man leaves the womb of security and climbs out of the abyss, and awakens. He finally realizes that a wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows the public opinion. Good lad.
TR: Right.
GR: So tell us a little about what the people actually care about? What new songs did you write for this musical?
ALW: We actually just stuck to the themes we just discussed. There are the real showstoppers, like, “I Wanna Be a Man, But I’m just stuck in this Fucking Pit.” Contrast those with lovely, tender ballads, like “Why Don’t You Guys Love Me, Your Tender Loving Brother Who Can Read Your Minds.” Backed with the ensemble chorus of “Because We Hate Your Fucking Guts, Joseph.”
TR: We covered all of our bases for this one.
GR: Andrew Lloyd Webber, you pioneered the mega-musical art form. So would this be your pinnacle? Your peak, so to speak?
ALW: Oh, hell no. This is just the beginning. Rice and I are already working on our next musical. And this one will be BIG. An uber-musical, if you will. You have no idea. This will be the one to paralyze New York City. We’re calling it “Monstrosity.”
It will rock your world.
TR: With this, we will finally crush the world’s theatre critics AND the New York City commuters. Our next musical will close off twenty city blocks of Midtown Manhattan. It will feature dozens of multilingual choruses singing simultaneously and thousands of blimps covering the sky so that the city will be enclosed in darkness…
ALW: And we will emerge victorious, at last.
GR: But remember, guys, for when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name…
ALW: Don’t throw me that fucking Gipper shit, Grant. We will march and be victorious. I spent the brunt of my life composing music for the masses…
TR: I collaborated…
ALW: …and I’ll be damned if this was all in vain. Peak! Win! Victory! I will rule New York again! And I will rule until they pull my cold dead fingers from around my scepter this time around…
TR: I’m actually feeling a little bit sleep right now. Could you pass me a few of them there sedatives for me, please?
-duckwing, at 11:16 PM
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Happy Loving Out On the Delaware Bay
We're about a month or so away from the annual Horseshoe Crab love fest that takes place on the shores on the Deleware Bay in May and early June. A year, millions of horseshoe crabs crawl out of the briny deep to mate on the shores of Delaware and New Jersey state, and biologists take counts of the guys to help determine the annual population loss the horseshoe crabs endure. Lately, the population decline has flatlined, but the scientists are always looking for voluteers to help.
Here is the Washington Post article I saved from last year:
Sex on the Beach
For the next few weeks, thousands of horseshoe crabs will mate around the Delaware Bay. Wanna watch?
Each spring, horseshoe crabs spawn by the thousands along Delaware Bay beaches. (Jim Graham - For The Washington Post)
By Carol Vinzant
Special to The Washington Post
Wednesday, May 22, 2002; Page C02
At first I had several eager partners for my little horseshoe crab adventure. When I proposed driving to see the annual spectacle of masses of the prehistoric critters mating on the beaches of Delaware Bay, a few friends were enthusiastic. After all, anyone with an old pair of shoes and a flashlight is invited to come out and play biologist for a night at a ritual that a National Geographic guidebook has dubbed "one of the great marine spectacles on the planet." The bay's population of horseshoe crabs – which have been around in some form for hundreds of millions of years – has plummeted by perhaps 90 percent in the past decade. Worried scientists are out counting crabs on many nights of this late spring mating frenzy, and they're looking for help.
But as the event got closer and the realities involved sank in – particularly driving to a remote beach in Delaware around midnight in possibly stormy weather – excuses were made.
Hangovers, weekend work, medical dramas – I heard it all. And so I set out on a recent Sunday night, alone and dubious. Anyone who has ever tried to make an appointment to see wildlife knows that it is notorious for standing people up, and I was pretty sure I was on a fool's errand. The moon was new (dark) and therefore perfect for horseshoe crab love. But the forecast called for severe storms, which neither the crabs nor the scientists care for. Nor I, for that matter.
So I imagined driving for hours to find myself alone on a beach with two or three amorous crabs. I was heading out early in the late spring mating season to a supposedly mediocre beach to join a crew led by Bill Hall, a marine education specialist at the University of Delaware, whom some volunteers call the god of horseshoe crabs.
Sure enough, as soon as I crossed into Delaware, the lightning began. I drove on. Finally I saw the tiny sign for South Bowers Beach. To get there I had to suppress everything I had learned from horror movies about driving solo on stormy rural roads at night. I thought of the "X-Files" drinking game that requires a shot each time Agent Scully pushes on into a dark place by herself. This drive, during which deer materialized in front of my car out of the mist and which took me miles past an ominous "NO OUTLET" sign, would have required many drinks.
But when I arrived, volunteer Bret Ritchie was there to greet me. "Did you see them yet?" the 28-year-old asked, with the kind of ebullience people get from seeing a freakish natural wonder. "There are thousands."
If you had managed, however improbably, to stumble upon this scene by accident, you would never imagine horseshoe crabs were in any danger. It seemed more like they were invading the beach. An arthropod orgy stretched as far as I could see by flashlight. From the high tide line down into the shallows, thousands and thousands of crabs were enmeshed in every conceivable angle and position. Some seemed to form a conga line. Tails spiked out of the water. The overzealous overturned, a potential death sentence.
The male crabs are always the first on the scene, Hall explained when I caught up to him. They lurk in the dark, waiting for an opportunity to spray their sperm on the thousands of tiny green eggs the females bury. Some males will even attach themselves to a female as early as the fall, waiting for her to lay her eggs.
"His anatomy is designed so that he can just clasp onto her and just ride," said David Smith, a biological statistician with the U.S. Geological Survey who has been running the horseshoe crab study the past several years. "He's got a long wait, kind of a typical freeloading male."
We got to work. Since the crabs line up for roughly 30 miles along the Delaware shore, an actual count is out of the question. Instead, volunteers "sample" the population by counting how many males and females lie within a one-square-meter frame placed every 10 meters along the beach, then extrapolate the total. The highest count on South Bowers was 18 males and five females – in a space the size of a welcome mat!
At our beach, Hall performed the counting, calling out the numbers to Ritchie's brother, Andrew, an aspiring biologist who had trekked from West Virginia to see the phenomenon.
This is the 12th year volunteers have counted crabs. The survey was prompted by suspicions that conch and eel fishermen were catching more and more horseshoe crabs to use as bait.
The concern is not just for the horseshoe crab itself but also for what it supplies to other species. Migrating red knots, turnstones, sanderlings and sandpipers depend on the eggs as road food. Atlantic loggerhead turtles – a threatened species – eat adult horseshoe crabs. Researchers also use an extract of horseshoe crab blood to test for bacterial toxins in prescription drugs.
So far, the surveys show that the crab population has declined but that the decline has leveled off. To track the trend, researchers need lots of data, from lots of volunteers. Anyone can sign up (see box), but because it takes a night of training, Hall particularly wants people who can come out for more than one night.
If you want to see the crabs without counting over the next several weeks, you don't necessarily have to go out in the middle of the night. (But it's much more spectacular if you do. They like the full and new moons.) For the less ambitious watcher, horseshoe crabs also show up at high tide during the day.
But midnight it was as we walked along the beach. I spent most of my time turning upended crabs back over. Hall directed some back toward the water. "C'mon, lady of the night, you'll find your way," he coached them. "When you see them try to right themselves, you wonder how they survived 300 million years."
Horseshoe crabs are the same phylum, arthropoda, as the true crabs, but they belong to a different subphylum and are actually more related to spiders, scorpions and mites. As militaristic as they look in their spiked armor, the crabs are no risk to handle. They don't bite or pinch. About the only way you could get hurt by a horseshoe crab is if someone threw one at you.
In fact, I realized as I got ready for my drive back along that dark road, the horseshoe crab is the least scary thing out here.
ESCAPE KEYS
BE A VOLUNTEER HORSESHOE CRAB COUNTER: This year's Horseshoe Crab Spawning Survey continues for the next several weeks at beaches around the Delaware Bay, on both the New Jersey and Delaware sides.
The greatest crab activity tends to be at high tide on nights of either full or new moons. Upcoming dates include: May 24, 26 (full moon), June 8, 10 (new moon), 12, 22, 24 (full moon), 26. To sign up, visit www. aegis.er.usgs.gov/groups/stats/Limulus . You can specify your date and choice of Delaware or New Jersey sides, but researchers will assign you to a specific beach, with directions.
STAYING THERE: On the Delaware side,Dover is a good base for most of the survey beaches. Try the Little Creek Inn (2623 N. Little Creek Rd., 302-730-1300), a historic, pet-friendly inn with Jacuzzis. Rooms start at $125. On the New Jersey side, Cape May is the natural base, with plenty of options. One good one is the Hotel Macomber (727 Beach Ave., 609-884-3020), a landmark brick pile with rooms starting at $75.
BIRDING: All those horseshoe crab eggs attract a remarkable number of birds, particularly famished migrant songbirds on their long way north from wintering grounds in the southern tropics. Known as the Feast on the Bay to birders, the bacchanalia of crabs spawning and birds feeding attracts almost as many people with field glasses and life lists as it does animals. Contact the Cape May Bird Observatory for information on the best viewing beaches and times. Details: 609-884-2736, www.njaudubon.org/Centers/CMBO.
INFO: Kent County (Dover) Tourism Convention and Visitors Bureau, 800-233-5368, www.visitdover.com. Cape May Chamber of Commerce, 609-465-7181, www.capemaycountychamber.com.
© 2002 The Washington Post Company
If you want to volunteer for the spawning survey, click the link here to sign up.
-duckwing, at 10:32 PM
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Speculation on the Diets of Democratic Presidential Candidates
Honestly, my mind is in a completely different place as I’m writing this. I thought up this as I was going to work, and I though it was decent, but then I had the misfortune to rent “Jackass: the Movie” from my local Tik-Tok. Big mistake. How is it even possible to write something like this after watching some guy eat a yellow snow cone, or watching a guy shit his pants so badly that remaining shots are of the cameramen just puking outside. It was strange, and some of the stunts were and completely outside the range of what I could possibly contemplate people doing. Taking paper cuts on your tongue? Steve-O is definitely the weirdest of this bunch, but even he couldn’t allow himself to take a little toy car up the ass. The stupidest stunt had to be Steve-O’s full back tattoo of himself giving a thumbs up or whatever. He has to be hoping for an early death to do something like that.
Anyway, I’m not really into reviewing movies for other people. But hopefully I’ve provided enough spoilers to steer some people away. I don’t know.
Anyway, I found an article on the WP by Bob Levy (“The Fuddy Duddy of all DC fuddy duddies), about the chances of each of the announced Democratic candidates chances for winning the Iowa Caucus next year. This naturally led me to speculate on the dining habits of some of these candidates, and how their choice of diet may influence their politics and policies on how to run the federal government. So here we go:
Dick Gephardt: Dick strikes me as a potatoes guy. No meat, just potatoes. The guy has to win an award for the least amount of melanin possible in a guy. Blond hair, bleached skin, absolutely no moles or freckles, no eyebrows. So his diet would have to reflect that. –foods without any pigment whatsoever, so just potatoes for Dick. And water. Lots of water. The guy does have brown eyes, which makes him slightly disturbing when he panders to the audience during a speech. I’m not sure how the guy deals with the outdoors –but being from Missouri, it’s easy to see why he became a politician rather than a farmer. That would have been a rough deal.
Dennis Kucinich: Definitely a junk food type of guy. I imagine a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew permanently attached to his desk of his Capital Hill to give him the energy to get through the day, because obviously this guy doesn’t eat. Pasty faced with sunken eyes, I could see him maybe opening up a bag of Funyuns every once in awhile, but that’s it. Just solid caffeine all day.
Carol Mosley-Braun: Without doubt, Ms. Braun definitely eats the greens. She picks the croutons off her salad, and hold the Italian, please! Collard greens, brussels sprouts, green beans, broccoli, and artichoke hearts, all in a big bowl for easy consumption. Whether raw, steamed, or stir-fried, it doesn’t matter. Mmmmm…asparagus.
John Kerry: A beer guy. Being something of a sophisticate, I see him as a big fan of French cooking, particularly fondue, and in particular the amazing combination of beer and cheese. He probably hangs out at the Melting Pot on his nights off.
I’ll probably put part two later.
-duckwing, at 12:09 AM
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
LiberalOasis Wages War Against Darryl Worley: DW vs. the Dixie Chicks
Well obviously I'm rooting for the Dixie Chicks on this one. But, even though I think that LiberalOasis makes the case on most days, he utterly misses the mark on this one. And I think it's because he tries to make his case pretty much solely on the lyrics. If you read the lyrics, it's hard to understand what LiberalOasis is getting at. DW just seems upset about Bin Laden and 9/11, and the fact that some people want to put a stop to the war. Which war? DW doesn't say, because he doesn't specify -is it the War on Terror? Iraq? The World? He doesn't say, but he never mentions the War on Iraq and he doesn't mention Saddam Hussein, either.
So why is LO so upset about it? Two reasons.
First, of course the timing of the whole thing. Of course, if he put the song out a year ago, I think most liberals would just consider it just a patriotic sentiment, and I don't think that anyone would think it had anything to do with Iraq (it would probably also have confused most people, because 9/11 would have happened less that 6 months ago). Since he put the song out at a time when almost everyone is pretty much mindfucked by the situation in Iraq, I think a lot of us took it as a jingoistic propaganda statement from the Bush Administration. It certainly sounds like it. And that's the second reason. DW emotes his rage at the terrorists like he's about to go into a fit of hysteria. And the song sucks, to boot.
But look, there's worse stuff out there trying to get your attention. Much worse (like Charlie Daniels). Bill Mahr gave a run down of the crazy country music being recorded on last weeks show. It makes DW look anti-american, since it doesn't seem that he's ready to kill celebrities to show support for his country yet. On the country music scene right now, that's still a pretty big distinction.
-duckwing, at 1:39 PM
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A Couple of More Links To Tide You Over:
Good vs. Ignorant finally clarifies for us the definition of suicide:
On a more serious note-
If I kill myself it is suicide.
And:
His breath stinks, he has one testicle, and he doesn't enjoy foreplay.
He goes on, but unfortunately I didn't bother to read the rest of it...
To lighten up a bit from that one, I suggest you read the new article from the Onion, again finally underscoring for us the limits we should impose on our fellow citizens in order to...right. Sarcasm can only go so far -just enjoy the fucking story.
-duckwing, at 12:03 AM
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Tuesday, April 01, 2003
When a Couple is Just One
This has been bugging me...colloquial language. I am so guilty of it I'm not even aware of it most of the time. It just comes out when I say "man" and "dude" before and after every sentence I utter to people. I say "a couple" when I mean two, "a few," when I mean three, and "several" when I mean no actual number of items whatsoever. True, this is the Boy Scout rule of thumb when interpreting wishy-washy language describing numbers, but it's not an excuse. Boy Scots aren't linguists. Colloquial language is the symptom of a diseased ambivalent mind. A weak mind.
Because no matter what item I'm trying to aciqure from, or describe to people, when I mean "two," I always say, "a couple." And nobody has any idea exactly which number I'm talking about. Everytime I go to the store for cigarettes, I always ask for "a couple of packs." And no matter what, I always get either one pack of cigarettes or a clarification on how many I actually want. It's weird going to the store, and every time, saying, "No, I really meant two, thanks..."
Colloquial language serves no real useful purpose other than to confuse people. And it would die right there, if it wasn't so much fun to use it in everyday speech. And it's eventually impossible to stop using it, especially for people like me. So to fellow language slayers -keep it up. Just remember that virtually no one else knows exactly what the hell you're talking about.
-duckwing, at 10:35 PM
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